Bachelor Party

Watched The Bachelor with the girls last night. It was actually a bit more unbearable than I remembered it - I think I last watched the show with any regularity around the third season. The "Bachelor" was a blond doofus from Memphis or somewhere and he picked a hot brunette who was a teacher but they broke up soon after he became a B-List celeb for 15 seconds and realized he had a shot at Tara Reid (but then again, so did you and I there for awhile). Or maybe it was the first season of The Bachelorette, which starred the chick who came in second on the first The Bachelor - I believe she ended up with Sensitive Volunteer Fireman Emo-Dude, who pretty much ruined it for all regular guys forever. Or maybe it was The Bachelor with the dude who was stupid and kinda gay-looking who owned those wineries and breweries and tire stores in Santa Barbara. Dammit, I've watched a lot more of this crap than I realized, but thankfully I am smart enough never to admit as much in a public forum.

As I was watching this show, it occurred to me that the only way for a real man to watch The Bachelor (besides being tied to a chair with his eyelids pinned back, Clockwork Orange-style) would be to make it into a drinking game. I suspect there are already a bunch of versions of a The Bachelor drinking game out there, but I haven't run any Google searches for it so I'll just be making this one up as we go. I doubt it will compare favorably to the Brent Musberger Drinking Game, but who are we kidding? That game is a piece of intellectual genius and literary art without equal - it's the Sistine Chapel of drinking games. If this thing rises to the level of Real Men of Genius or Saddam of Death I'll be tickled pink.

So here we go off the top of my head with the beta version of the IT'S OKTO BLOG BACHELOR DRINKING GAME:

Take One (1) Drink Whenever Any of the Following Occur:

* The Bachelor or any of the girls says something is amazing:

"I never expected to come on a TV show and meet so many amazing women."

* The Bachelor or any of the girls says something is cool:

"You like bears and you were in the newspaper once because you left your teddy bear in a store and got upset? That's cool."

* The Bachelor or any of the girls mentions a connection:

"I feel like we have a really strong connection, and that you should pick me and not one of those other insane fame-hungry bitches."

* One of the girls says she feels like a princess:

"When we were up in the ABC corporate jet and I saw the reflection in the window of those diamonds ABC borrowed for the show, I felt like a princess. Fuck those peons who are suffering in this shitty economy."

* The Bachelor or any of the girls takes a drink of alcohol:
* The tray of roses is shown on screen:

Take Two (2) Drinks Whenever Any of the Following Occur:

* One of the girls says she is falling for the Bachelor:
* The Bachelor makes out with one of the girls:
* One of the girls tears up:
* Host Chris Harrison empathetically touches the Bachelor (hand on the shoulder, etc.):
"Well, you've got a tough decision ahead of you. I wish you luck."

* The Bachelor picks up a picture of a girl in the "deliberation room" and looks at it thoughtfully when deciding whether or not he should give her a rose or cut her alcoholic stalker ass.

* Host Chris Harrison helpfully tells everyone how many roses are left for the Bachelor to give out. Because the American public can't count:

"There are four of you ladies left, and the Bachelor only has three more roses to give out. One of you... (dramatic pause) is going home tonight."

Finish Your Drink Whenever Any of the Following Occur:

* One of the girls actually starts to cry:
* The Bachelor takes off his shirt:
* The Bachelor talks about how this is the hardest rose ceremony yet:
"This is the most difficult rose ceremony yet. I've made amazing connections with all of these cool women. I don't know what I'm going to do."

Do a Shot When the Following Occurs:

* Host Chris Harrison points out that this is the final rose:
"Ladies, this... (dramatic pause) is the final rose. There are two of you left, so that means one of you... (even more dramatic pause) is going home tonight. Good luck."

Personally, princess, I think this game is amazing, and that it will make a connection with the readers of this cool blog. I must say that it was the hardest blog entry I've written yet, despite the fact that I wrote it with my shirt off, but thankfully there are only thirty-four words left. In any event, this game should get you dudes good and plastered if you're ever forced to watch this show, and Lord help you if you get stuck with a two-hour episode.