That joke is in poor taste.
Speaking of poor taste, I was at a wedding in Martha's Vineyard two weekends ago. Some might argue that hooking up with the wedding planner who was also a grandmother is in poor taste. But I say, was Andy Stitzer acting in poor taste when he hooked up with Trish? And was it over after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Don't answer those.
With a minor assist from the Wood Dog (you remember the Wood Dog, right? Nice guy, blond hair, used to blog.), I put together a little pub crawl in honor of the location chosen by the happy couple. Here's the list, as distributed to the participants.
THE JOHN-JOHN MEMORIAL "DEAD KENNEDYS" PUB CRAWLEdgartown, Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts
September 11, 2009
What: It’s no secret that John F. Kennedy Jr. had trouble passing bars; he failed to pass the New York bar exam the first two times he tried. The participants of the John-John Memorial Dead Kennedys Pub Crawl won’t be passing any bars in a drunken crawl through Edgartown, Massachusetts.
Where: Nevin’s Square and the Edgartown waterfront. The Boat House, Black Dog Tavern, Salivar’s, Détente, Wharf Pub and Newes from America. Or whichever of those places are open and don’t refuse us service.
How: It looks like we’ve got 5 or 6 places to choose from so we’re looking at about 2 drinks at each stop. Remember, this is a Kennedy-themed pub crawl so speak with a Massachusetts accent whenever possible. And lean to the left every time you take a drink. That’s NOT optional.
The Drinks:
1. The Vineyard. You’re on Martha’s Vineyard. They make wine at vineyards. Have a glass of the crappy East Coast swill they’re passing off as wine.
2. Cape Cod. OK, you’re not exactly on Cape Cod; it lies a little to the north. So drink a Cape Cod (vodka & cranberry) while facing north (if you stand facing away from the waterfront, you’re facing northwest).
3. Bay of Pigs. John F. Kennedy ordered CIA-trained Cuban exiles to invade Cuba in 1961, but the exiles were quickly killed or captured when Kennedy refused to give them U.S. air support. Have a Cuba Libre (Spanish for “Free Cuba,” a rum and coke with lime juice), but show your lack of commitment by drinking half and then walking away.
4. Cuban Missile Crisis. In 1962, JFK ordered a naval blockade of Cuba to get the Soviets to stop building nuclear missile silos. The crisis was defused when the Soviet Union agreed to dismantle the missiles in exchange for a public US promise not to invade Cuba and a private assurance that the US would later remove its nuclear missiles from Turkey. Since you don’t have any missiles in Turkey, appease the Soviets by drinking the vodka drink of your choice.
5. JFK (Warren Commission). According to the Warren Commission, Lee Harvey Oswald performed one of the greatest feats in marksmanship history by firing three accurate rounds from a bolt-action rifle in eight seconds. Match Lee’s feat by doing three shots in eight seconds, using the same hand for each shot. Be sure to tilt your head “back and to the left” as you take each shot. Don't believe it can be done? Then try instead:
5. JFK (Oliver Stone). Common sense tells you it’s impossible for one man to do three shots in eight seconds using the same hand, and you’re not buying the “magic liver” theory either. So buy three shots and give one each to three of your friends. Position your friends strategically around the room; one should be in an elevated position, one should be near a half-height bar wall, and the third should be on a grassy knoll. When you say the code word “Green!” the three take their shots simultaneously then immediately leave the bar.
6. RFK. Announce you’re running for President, then take a shot. Don’t let it go to your head.
7. Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis. A few months after RFK’s death, Jackie Kennedy married shipping billionaire Aristotle Onassis. Have an Ouzo and toast Jackie for bringing us the gigantic sunglasses women wear today.
8. Chappaquiddick Incident. Mary Jo Kopechne's body was discovered on Chappaquiddick Island, underwater and inside an overturned car belonging to Ted Kennedy. Ted gave a statement to police saying that on the previous night Kopechne was his passenger when he took a wrong turn and accidentally drove his car off a bridge into the water. So have an Irish car bomb: accidentally drop a shot glass of whiskey and Bailey’s into a Guinness and slam it.
9. William Kennedy Smith. William Kennedy Smith says the walk on the beach at the Kennedy compound led to consensual sex. Patty Bowman says she was raped. I say have a Sex on the Beach (orange, cranberry, vodka & peach schnapps). Pound it aggressively. It won’t press charges.
10. JFK Jr. JFK Jr. was killed when his small airplane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean off Martha’s Vineyard. According to the National Transportation Safety Board, the reason for the crash was “Kennedy’s failure to maintain control of the airplane during a descent over water at night, which was a result of spatial disorientation.” Have an Oyster Shooter for John-John and by this point in the crawl you’re bound to be feeling a little spatial disorientation yourself.
11. Ted Kennedy. On August 25, 2009, Ted died at his home in Hyannis Port (about eight miles away) after battling a malignant brain tumor. Drink a brain hemorrhage (shot of Peach Schnapps, float of Bailey’s, drop of grenadine) in Ted’s honor. Then hightail it out of there – the man died two weeks ago! Have you no respect?So there you have it. Two people finished the crawl, and footage exists of one of them doing the Warren Commission version of the JFK Assassination. It's our own Zapruter film, but it won't be making it into the National Archives anytime soon.
