As Good Once As I Ever Was?

I was a decent basketball player in high school. I stood 6'3" and weighed about 170 pounds (though for some strange reason my coach insisted on listing me at 6'5" and 200 pounds... it was kind of awkward when we were lining up for free throws during games and the opposing players would ask me where the 6'5" guy was). I played center, because when you go to a small and crappy high school 6'3" makes you one of the tallest players on the team. We had a couple of guys who were 6'8" a few years behind me, but they hadn't discovered their coordination yet so they were pretty useless and they spent most of my senior year on the junior varsity team. I blocked a lot of shots (more due to "quick" ups than to "mad" ups), and was a league all-star in my senior year. I suspect part of the reason I was named an all-star was so I could drive our point guard, who was a legitimate all-star, to the practices which were held about 90 miles away from our town. I could also dunk a basketball. The first time I dunked was after the season, at an all-star practice while finishing a three-man weave. I was 17 years old. Prior to that, people watching would tell me I was up high enough to dunk but I never actually had. I blamed my inability to palm the ball but the issue was probably more mental than anything else. It seems the higher level of competition pushed me a little further and I finally got over the mental hurdle. I wasn't doing any lifting with my legs at the time, figuring that since we were required to run with the cross-country team to be on the basketball team, that was enough of a leg workout. We did have a requirement of squatting 275 pounds to be on the team, and so my high school squatting career consisted of one rep at 275 pounds.
The last time I remember dunking was in college, on the backyard hoop of our frat house. I was probably 22 at the time, still 6'3" and up to about 205 pounds. I was doing a lot of lifting back then, but as all college dudes tend to do, I was focusing on flat bench and to a lesser extent curls, and pretty much neglecting everything else. Hey, the flamingo look (or "prison legs" if you prefer) was in vogue. I believe the frat house rim was an inch or two above 10 feet, and I was able to throw down pretty hard on that rim. Several years before, during my pledge semester, I unsuccessfully attempted a dunk in a very aerodynamic outfit, but that is a story for another time.

I'm 36 years old now. It's probably been 7 years since I've been on a basketball court in any sort of competitive setting. And I'm going to dunk a regulation basketball on a regulation rim by the end of calendar year 2008.

I have not done any dry runs of any kind. I have no idea if I can even touch the rim right now. I think I'm still 6'3", and I know I'm still right around 205 pounds. I've proven I can dunk at these dimensions. If anything, I'm probably carrying the weight better than I did in college - people who haven't seen me since then often comment that I've gotten bigger. Keep in mind this is with pants on. I'm not sure those p3nis enlargement pills actually did anything.

I've also never been stronger, at least not as far as my legs are concerned. I certainly don't bench what I used to (though it is hard to tell what your max is when you're only doing dumbbell presses on a fitness ball). But I do leg presses on a consistent basis and at a significant weight. We're talking plates here. One on EACH side. So I'm the real deal. Ditto on the calves. They're in fine shape.

The diet's also pretty good, mostly high-protein and low-carb with the occasional $10 Taco Bell run mixed in on hangover days. When I'm really into it, I'll go so far as to drink only vodka rocks when I'm out, in order to further reduce sugar intake (note that this is vodka with ice, not stones made out of vodka). It's that sort of staunch determination that's going to see me through on this quest. I'm also willing to shave my legs to pick up any sort of aerodynamic advantage that might offer. Hell, a chick in my 9th grade science class is convinced I was shaving them back then, and she said it loud enough to convince the rest of the class.

With all these factors in my favor, I don't see how I can fail. Except for the 14-year hiatus between dunks, that is. How much fast-twitch muscle have I lost? Well, if my friends are to be believed, pretty much all of it. When I brought up this notion to them, the response was fairly uniform. I wouldn't exactly call it overwhelming support, and if I had to try and put it into words, I'd say they couldn't reach for their wallets fast enough to bet against me, and some even asked if they could run to the ATM first.

According to the CBS Dunk-O-Meter, last year Eddie Jones dunked three times for the Dallas Mavericks at age 36. At 6'6", Jones has me by three inches, and probably more like six counting arm length. He also has the insignificant advantage of being a world-class athlete. 32 year-old Andre Miller dunked once last year at 6'2" and 200 pounds. 26 year-old Kyle Korver, the first white guy on this list, is 6'7" and he dunked only once last year. But then again, his game is more about lurking near the three-point line and looking like Ashton Kutcher. Sam Cassell on the Boston Celtics might be the best physical comparison at 6'3", 193 pounds and 38 years old. He doesn't show up on the Dunk-O-Meter, but you'd think he could still dunk unopposed in practice. In any event, it's a bad, bad thing when Sam Cassell is your best physical comparison. Because that means that E.T. is your next-best physical comparison.
Cal Ripken Jr. is 6'4", and he participated in a celebrity dunk contest at age 34. He managed to successfully dunk, but also stated that "I'm at that age, in basketball, where the legs are taking you down instead of up." I submit to you that this statement doesn't apply to me; you see, Cal Ripken Jr. was a baseball player, whereas I am an athlete. Ed Norton is 6'1" and he dunked in 1998 at age 29. Woody Harrelson is 5'10" and he dunked in 1992 at age 31. I've got a height advantage on both of these guys, and they're pansy actors and not high school all-stars.

Even chicks dunk: "Georganne Wells of West Virginia was the first woman to dunk in an NCAA game in December 1984. Candace Parker [6'4"] in 2006 became the first woman to dunk in a women's NCAA tournament game. Lisa Leslie [6'5"] was the first woman to dunk in a WNBA game in 2002. In 2008, Candace Parker became the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game on June 22. Other well-known female dunkers include Cheryl Miller [6'2"], Charlotte Smith [6'0"] and Michelle Snow [6'5"] (who did this in the 2006 WNBA All-Star Game). Many of the women in the WNBA dunk during warm-ups and practices." I used to see Lisa Leslie working out all the time at the USC rec center. She can't leg press for squat. I am way stronger than she is. Plus I'm a dude, with a Y chromosome and everything. We're just better than they are at physical stuff. If you don't believe me, ask my black belt ex-girlfriend what happened when she tried to fight me. Didn't hit her or anything, black belt or no, but she was pretty darned ineffective all the same.

I'm going to do this. I'm not going to jump on boxes at the gym, or buy any strength shoes or anything like that, and I'm still going to do it. Agree? Disagree? Strenuously disagree? There's a poll on the right.