PAC-MAN FEVER. Dallas cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones was involved in another altercation earlier this week. Not terribly surprising, considering the Pacman's history of getting into dust-ups at "scrip clubs" and just general lawlessness. This one was a little unusual, however, since the altercation was with one of the bodyguards hired by the Dallas Cowboys FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING SURE THE PACMAN DOESN'T GET INTO ANY ALTERCATIONS. The Pacman apologized to his teammates for bringing on unintended controversy and vowed it would not happen again.
I'm not sure I believed him when he apologized after the Las Vegas scrip club shooting by taking out a full page ad in the Nashville Tennessean, promising "he'll win back trust" of his teammates and fans." "To my family, teammates, coaches and fans, I recognize that I have lost the right to ask for your patience and understanding," Jones wrote. "However, I will do everything in my power to regain your trust and respect."And I didn't really believe him when he sent his letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking for reinstatement to the NFL. "Over the past year and a half, I recognize that I have made mistakes and have not lived up to the standards expected of a professional athlete. However, with the help of the NFL and the Dallas Cowboys, I feel that I have turned a corner. I assure you that I will not repeat any of my mistakes."
A-ha! This time he didn't repeat his mistakes. Getting into a fight with a team employee assigned to keep him out of fights is a completely new mistake. And I'm betting it will be the last mistake. I'm pretty sure the Pacman has cleaned up his act for good. And I'm also pretty sure Charlize Theron is going to come to my door wearing only lingerie in 5 seconds. And 4... 3... 2...
DUNGEONS AND DRAG-QUEENS. There's a "game" on Facebook called Dungeons & Dragons: Tiny Adventures. You create a hero and choose its class (fighter, wizard, etc.), choose its equipment, and send it on adventures. There's little to no interactivity (like many Facebook games) so its not that fun - its a lot like watching a random number generator that only rolls every 10 minutes. However, I did get a good laugh out of the game when my hero, the aptly named Jerkface Buttsucker, found a powerful new weapon - a Flaming Rapier. Buttsucker and his Flaming Rapier; I don't know if gets any gayer-sounding than that. That is, unless Buttsucker happens to find a Teabag of Holding... OBLIGATORY HOT CHICK PICTURE AFTER A GAY REFERENCE:
Whatever happened to Brandy from Joe Dirt?OWN IT TODAY. Matrix Revolutions and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull are bad movies. I know this for two reasons. First, I saw the movies. Second, advertisements for the DVD versions of these movies focus on "owning the trilogy" or "completing the collection." Selling the forest instead of the tree? That's a bad sign...
I MAY BE LEGEND, BUT I AM NOT SMOOTH WITH THE LADIES. Watched I Am Legend the other day. Basically, a cancer-curing virus has mutated and pretty much wiped out the Earth's population. There are a few remaining "normal" people, and the rest of the survivors are super-strong zombie types who are killed by ultraviolet light. Will Smith is a normal survivor living alone on Manhattan and trying to find a cure for the virus. Decent movie, full of logic holes (there's no way that dog survives for three years without being on a leash) but reasonably entertaining nonetheless. So, about 3/4 of the way through the film, a woman and a boy find Will Smith. The woman is a latina from Sao Paolo, so she complies with the Immutable Law of Interracial Movie Relationships. This Law came about because the flyover states are offended by certain interracial relationships, and this in turn could hurt the box office. Basically, black guy and latina woman = OK (see Will Smith and Eva Mendes in Hitch); white guy and black woman = OK (Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard); black guy and white woman = not OK (with some exceptions, but not in blockbuster-type films). Seeing as how Will Smith is whiter than I am, I don't know why this law still applies to him, but it seems to nonetheless.
Anyway, the chick has been traveling around with this boy, and although she thinks she's heading to a colony in Vermont to link up with additional human survivors, it is pretty clear she hasn't seen or interacted with anyone but the boy in quite some time. The boy isn't old enough to have gone through puberty, so she hasn't seen a man in three years. I imagine she's raring to go. Will Smith hasn't seen a woman in three years, and I'm going to go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt and say he hasn't been having sex with his dog so he's got to be raring to go as well. They get to talking, and the chick is saying things like "It was God's will that I found you." Perfect opportunity for Fresh Prince say a few things about fate bringing them together, how they might be the last two people left on the face of the Earth and do you want to go out with a bang, stuff like that. Personally, I'd have told her that she's probably not as hot as the chicks in the Vermont colony - shots at the old self-esteem always work like a charm, and I gotta think that even the last woman on Earth is a little insecure. No matter what he says though, its a freaking layup. I mean this chick made him bacon and eggs after saving his life and stitching up a nasty knife wound in his leg. I think its safe to say she's into him. There's probably only one way for him to screw this up, and that is to pick a fight with her, and maybe get into a religious discussion. So what does Will Smith say? THAT SHE'S WRONG, THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS AND THERE IS NO GOD. Will Smith completes the self-grenading by getting pissed at her for cooking the bacon because he was "saving it." Well he sure ain't gonna be makin' any bacon with that kind of game.
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