The rug is not always cleaner on the other side

Like my blogger in crime, you may not have a wife and kids like I do. And with these wives and kids you do not have, you likely also do not have the dogs, minivans, plastic toys, and mortgages, that seem to accompany you when in this stage of life. So let me give you a quick look at what you are likely missing out on. Don't get me wrong, marriage and all that comes with it is the best.

My lovely 1-year-old Yellow Lab, Barkley (shown at the right as a 2-month old puppy, damn cute I must say), started making these horrible "OH $#%&, I'm about to boot" heaving sounds at 4am last night. About a nanosecond later I BOLTED out of deep sleep and bed trying to corral her outside. Son of a bitch. It was those damn meat bones Uncle DB gave the dog last night when we were visiting his house. I KNEW this was going to happen. My adrenalin rush had slowed time down enough for me to think through these details as I sprinted down the hall, a similar phenomena to what fighter jet pilots talk about when engaged in melees over the pacific. My lovely wife then helpfully yells at me from bed "USE THE FRONT DOOR!", but alas, I had already committed to the sliding door off the family room, which leads to the back yard.

Even in my heightened state, the door lock mechanism slowed me, and during the excruciatingly long 3 seconds it took to open the back door, Barkley hurled all over the family room rug. AH CRAP. Nothing like the sound and smell of someone throwing up right next to you, dog or human, it's both disgusting and slightly bonding. Time-speed then returned back to normal for me, and I let the dog out into the back yard where she vomits a little more, and I made a half ass attempt at cleaning up the stomach contents left from my dog on our family room rug. I thought I had done an admiral job of at least attempting to address the situation.

Of course when I return to bed the whole fiasco was looked at as my fault, as detailed by my wife at 4am, for not using the front door as she had suggested.

YOU SEE? It's the best. Without a wife, how would I be able to learn from such mistakes in life and improve my behavior? I probably would have gone right back to attempting to let imminently vomiting animals out the back door. And where would that leave me? Right. More dog vomit on the rug. Man, thank god for marriage.