In a nutshell, Facebook is a site oriented toward adults, for keeping in touch with people. Because emailing them or speaking with them on the phone is too difficult. Myspace could be used for the same purpose, and I've even dated someone who maintains a Myspace page and she was totally normal and age-appropriate (and darned attractive I might add). However, that site is generally thought of as being younger, more immature, more ghetto, and more pedophile-friendly. I've actually got a Myspace page, and my three nephews, aged 5, 10 and 12, are my Myspace friends. I figured I'd stay in touch with them that way, since they are on that site all the time. However, considering my Myspace name is "Creepy Uncle" and my nephews are my only Myspace friends, I think I can see where the Myspace pedophile concerns come from.Here are a few things that have happened to me during my short stay on Facebook:
EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM FRIENDSHIP
As you may know, I am a member of a popular online dating site. Note that it is the site that is popular, and not my profile on the site. Actually, that isn't true. I get all sorts of emails and comments about my profile, and some of them aren't from the website administrators, the FBI or libel attorneys. I have noted, however, that a lot of the emails I get are from persons who don't meet my "requirements". For instance, I received an email yesterday from a rather attractive blonde woman. When I checked out her profile, it showed that she has two children living with her at home. I don't have a long list of initial deal-breakers (though am a master of finding things wrong with people once I am dating them), but preexisting children are on that list. In fact, preexisting children ARE that list. I don't know if I want kids, but I do know that I don't want someone else's kids.
Anyhow, I emailed a chick on the online dating site who lives in San Francisco. It was very late (very early actually), and I had maybe had a few cocktails earlier and was in a mood. I've pretty much conquered my drunk dialing problem (though I still have a problem with drunk booty texting from time to time), but I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and send some dating emails out. Because if you're going to piss someone off with drunken emails, why not have it be a total stranger who definitely won't want to date you once they see what you're really like on the weekends. I am going to make a fortune selling breathalyzer locks for people's cell phones and computers, I shit you not.
So a couple of these chicks did respond, but one of them did not. However, I did get a Facebook friend request from her a few days later. What's that about? Is this how we let people down easy nowadays? I don't like you in that way, I just want to be friends, not actual friends but Facebook friends, which means I will have no further interaction with you after I click the "Send Friend Request" button. I wasn't all that interested at first, but rejecting me? That's hot. Now I'm pretty sure she's my soul mate. She's not heard the last of me.
EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE STATUS UPDATES
I've become Facebook friends with a dude I knew in high school. I recognized his name but I don't remember much about him. Except that we dated for 3 years and he dumped me right before Senior Prom. Kidding. We didn't break up until the end of the summer after senior year, because we both headed off to different colleges. Kidding again. I had Driver's Training with the dude, meaning he, I and one other person all shared the same "Student Driver" car with our instructor. We never dated, but I did get rear-ended by him a few times. Kidding again. It was a Hummer. Not the student driver car, but the act. But that doesn't mean I'm gay, because *he* was blowing *me*. Right, Pedro? TOTALLY KIDDING, by the way.
I'm not here to name any names, so let's just call this dude "Yar". You know, like in Yars Revenge. Except a whole lot more like the dude's first name spelled backwards. I haven't kept up with Yar over the years, but through the magic of Facebook status updates, I now know exactly what Yar is up to at any given moment. So here are a couple of days in the life of Yar, though if you are my Facebook friend you probably already get this crap published to your Wall or News Feed or something:Yar is working... 5:15am
Yar traveled to Valley of the Dead in Elven Blood. 5:19am
Yar had to travel to the Valley of the Dead for work? Holy shit! Yar's job sounds pretty dangerous!
Yar is listening to a pointless conference call. 6:36am
You know what they say: "Dead men tell pointless tales."
Yar needs to go into a different line of work. 7:24am
I told you the Valley of the Dead sounded dangerous.
Yar is having a Birthday Party on the 17th.....who's in? 9:03am
Yar is heading home.... 12:58pm
Almost four hours and no responses to the birthday invite... sucks, man. I'd go home, too. Find a pillow and cry it out.
Yar is going home.. 3:55pm
Dude, you were leaving three hours ago! We really need to work on your organizational skills.
Yar is playing Elven Blood.....not doing well LOL. 7:01pm
And on to the next day in the life of Yar...
Yar can help with any IT related issues you may have :). 12:56pm
But if you have Elven Blood related issues forget it. Yar totally sucks at that game.
Yar is going to dinner with friends. 3:16pm
Unlikely, based on the Birthday Party response.
Yar is looking for a 4th for golf saturday. 3:24pm
Incidentally, he's also looking for a 2nd and a 3rd for golf Saturday if you're available...
Yar is working hard or hardly working.... 4:58am
I see from Facebook that Yar is married. My question is, why? With lines like this Yar should be out there killing it! A new chick every night of the week! Poor, shortsighted bastard.
I hope Yar doesn't read this blog. There's a Yars Revenge joke here but I can't make it funny so we'll just move on.
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE RANDOM HOOKUP
On Facebook, one of the first things you do when you "friend" someone is to check out their friends. That way, you see if there are other people out there you should be "friending", or if they know any hot chicks. In fact, the chick from Episode I found me through a mutual friend.
So, as I was cannibalizing a friend's friend list, I saw that she is friends with a girl I used to know. And used to like, actually. We hooked up a few times, beginning during the Drive for Five, but there was always something a little weird about it. If I had to guess I'd say she had a boyfriend and was hooking up with me on the side, or it could have been our age difference (I think the spread was six years, 30 - 24, at the time). Another strong possibility is that I was acting like I liked her and that weirded her out. In any event, I tend to meet about one chick a year that I think I could be interested in, and this chick was one of those chicks. Hasn't changed her last name, and her profile picture is of her with another chick... interesting. And stalkerish of me.
But I wouldn't mind finding myself in the same room with this chick again, to see what happens. The smart money would be on her pretending she didn't remember me. And the really smart money would be on her genuinely not remembering me. But she'd be thirty now, and everyone knows Chick + Thirty + Single = Desperate. It's the new math. It's right up there next to the quadratic equation and Area = Pi R Squared. And that was also back before I was the chiseled block of tooth-bleached unstoppability that you now see before you. Hang out with our mutual friend a little more, engineer a chance meeting with tequila present, and let nature run its course. Money in the bank.
1 comment:
was this the dirty cop from sac-town?
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