Your pencil is big and yellow.

Is there an English teacher in the audience? Or even a foreign teacher that teaches English? You don't even have to be hot (see picture left) for this. I have an honest to goodness real deal English grammar question for you.

OK, here it is:

Why do we say "these are my pants"; and not "this is my pants"?

I mean, the word "pants" is a singular noun. Yet for some reason we use the plural abstract verb "are" instead of the singular abstract verb "is" in the case of pants. We should also say "where is the scissors?"- but we don't - we say "where are the scissors?"

You might suggest that it's because these words are singular nouns that happen to end in the letter "s" so we treat them like plurals. Well, you'd be wrong.

If that was the rule, then why do we say "Who IS that walrus?" and "There IS piss in your beer stein." ?? Both the Walrus and the piss are singular nouns ending in "s", but we use the proper verb "is" for both the walrus and the piss; not "are". Same thing with molasses, platypus, and ass. IS, IS, and IS.

Is it because pants and scissors have 2 components to them? Two legs, two handles, so we think of them as plurals? If that is the case, then we really are stupid. You can not have one pant and one scissor. But I think that has to be it, because this "are" phenomena also applies to similar versions of these two nouns: trousers, shears, and tongs. ARE, ARE, and ARE. This is truly baffling.

Even Anthony Edwards in the hit movie Gotcha! (1985) could get his abstract verb tenses right:

Jonathan (Edwards): "Mon crayon est grand et mon crayon est jaune."
Waiter: "Your pencil is big and yellow?"

Jonathan: "Oui!"

Waiter: "Nice for you"

[and... SCENE]

See? Anthony Edwards (even in full 80's loaf) seems to be able to master his verb tenses, in both French and English. Then again, he was just trying to score and he did end up being the target... So maybe there really is no answer to this question after all.

Screw it. Until someone can explain this to me, I am just going to say it right, no matter how I sound and how you judge me.

THIS IS MY TROUSERS

THIS IS MY TONGS

THIS IS FOR WEARING

THIS IS FOR... um, gripping and lifting hot things.