"Content" Provider

So I picked up my guitar and I wrote down a tune that had been mulling and creeping and crawling around in my head. It went something like this...

-- Nick Rivers, Top Secret

It has come to my attention that my content hasn't been up to snuff of late. One might say (and two have said) that I've become a little lazy with my entries. That I've gotten content with my content. HA! Get it? It's a pun! Or a simile/metaphor. Perhaps a homonym? Onomatopoeia? I may have failed grammar, but it seems I've also failed these readers once again - this entry sure isn't going to change any opinions of the quality of my work. The entry has nothing to do with Nick Rivers, Val Kilmer, or the movie Top Secret; that quote was just to get your hopes up while disguising the fact that I'm doing a "ramblings" column (hence the mulling and creeping and crawling). But I'd like to state for the record that I attribute much of my sloppy and uninteresting writing to the fact that I've been reading a fair amount of Bill Simmons lately.

I really should get a standard opening for these posts. I like Scott Ostler's "Deep thoughts, cheap shots and bon mots" but I think he beat me to the punch on that one. How about "Boring rants, can't dance and no pants"? Not bad, but it reminds me a little too much of a typical Saturday night. We'll think on it.

THOU DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH! As befits a single dude, I didn't do anything special for Sucker's, er, Valentine's Day. I had a few people over for a nonromantic evening of food and booze, and went out to see some band play with a few of the stragglers. I sure didn't "show her how much I love her" by buying her a diamond tennis bracelet, because I don't really know who the "her" would be at this point, and these days I've been showing my love with a dollar bill tucked into a G-string. Other people celebrated a little differently, however. Down at the Fruitvale BART Station, there was a "Love-in" to honor the memory of the dude who was shot by the BART cop on New Year's. Here's the part I loved most about this event, excerpted from the article:

For those who are not fitted in riot gear, the Choose Love BART Sit-in on Valentine's Day is a good place to start. You are invited to gather at the Fruitvale BART station and hold a moment of silence. Organizers ask that you identify yourself by wearing headphones [or] any ribbon or identifier and adding your number to this two-minute "flash-vigil."

Really? Identify yourself as a participant in the event by wearing headphones or a ribbon or identifier? IT'S PUBLIC TRANSIT! EVERYONE WEARS HEADPHONES ON BART! Since there's no cell reception, headphones are the best way to avoid speaking with or making eye contact with the muttering, urine-smelling gentleman in the seat next to you! So it must have appeared that there was this huge showing of support for the cause, and it is quite possible that the majority of those people didn't even know they were participating! I'm not saying it wasn't a worthy cause, I'm just saying that the organizers probably deemed the event a huge success but that perceived success would have been based on what was at least partially a fake number. How's this for a protest: If you object to the fact that I'm not dating Elisha Cuthbert (yeah, sloppy seconds I know), show your support tomorrow by either wearing a ribbon or talking on a cell phone while on a Muni bus. See? Half the city (and the entire 30X) is in my corner!

ATTENTION, WOMEN OF SAN FRANCISCO! Suggested by a former reader, this may become a semi-recurring blog item. Actually, one of these will be posted every time, but since we have only a semi-recurring blog, this item will by definition be semi-recurring. Anyhow, it goes like this: ATTENTION, WOMEN OF SAN FRANCISCO! YOUR SUNGLASSES ARE BIG ENOUGH! Stop the madness. For realsies.

THE UNTUCKED SHIRT: A PLAY IN THREE ACTS. Typical Marina Dude is out on the town, wearing an untucked button-down dress shirt.

Typical Marina Dude:
Sweet! Untucked shirts are still trendy. Now chicks can't tell that my metabolism has slowed down now that I'm in my thirties (well, I'm in my forties but I'll tell them I'm in my thirties), and I have the build of a guy who sits in an office chair eight hours a day while snacking on Doritos. Plus, these hair plugs are totally blending with the haircut I just got at MR. so I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my leased Mercedes. I think I'll order a Mandarin and tonic for that little hottie over there...

Typical Marina Chick:
Omigod! I am *so* over untucked shirts on dudes. Haven't they heard that sweater vests are in? Would it kill them to go to Banana or Kenneth Cole and actually look at the mannequins? Now I can't tell if any of these dudes have the abs of an Abercrombie model that I require of my random hookups. Maybe I should have stayed home and watched Brothers & Sisters on my Tivo. I guess I'll just pick the dude with the Facconable shirt, at least he has the money to support my Gray Goose and designer shoe habit...

Typical Dude Wearing a Backpack in a Marina Bar:
Omigod! I am *so* over untucked shirts on dudes. Haven't they heard that sweater vests are in? Would it kill them to go to Banana or Kenneth Cole and actually look at the mannequins? How am I supposed to bump into one of these drunk assholes and steal his wallet with that fucking untucked shirt in the way? And even if I got my hand in there it's impossible to pull out the wallet now that guys are wearing these cursed "skinny jeans." If I get caught I might have to ask this prick out to save face. These fashion trends are killing my business. I miss Wall Street; it was hella better stealing money legally...