Obsolesence

"Handheld internet has changed pooping forever." -- Me

"No, WiFi changed pooping forever. Handheld internet just made it less obvious." -- Wood Dog

Seems a timely post considering the content of the latest shitty post by my blogmate. Odd that at the ripe old age of 36 I have a blogmate. Shouldn't I be mature enough to have my own blog by now? I guess I've proven that I can't take care of a blog by myself, but I am a little wary of showing chicks my blog. What if my blogmate is around, clogging and blogging from the bathroom? Awkward, thy name is OKTO Blog.

Seems like pretty much everyone has a Blackberry, iPhone, or some other internet-capable handheld device. I myself have a Samsung Blackjack II which, although 3G-enabled, is somewhat limited as an internet device due to its Windows Mobile browser (call it 60% functionality). It works well enough to get the job done so long as you're not trying to buy things online or view videos. Actually, I think it can view videos but I haven't tried such a thing as yet.

I selected my device because I was in the market for a GPS for my car. I learned that many handhelds function as a GPS, so I figured a GPS that I always had on me would be the way to go, for those occasions when I was in someone else's car. So, along with GPS my handheld came with the ability to read and respond to work e-mails and view the internet. I'm sure this increased my productivity, as it has for society as a whole.

This increased productivity is somewhat bittersweet for me, however. I am not going to wax poetic about the times people used to talk to each other on buses, in airports, while alone on barstools, etc., rather than talking to their friends on the phone (or texting or e-mailing them, or surfing the web) because quite honestly I don't really care for people or for speaking to them. No, my concerns run quite a bit deeper. Specifically, I am a published author. I have had one piece published on the internet, in something called the Gentleman's Glossary, which is a portion of the website Goofball.com. The Gentleman's Glossary is a repository for the definitions of all sorts of important terms, like the following:

The Stranger [n]: Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

The Shocker [n]: The act of inserting a free finger deep into the anus of your partner during sex or oral pleasure, much to their surprise.

Hot Lunch [n]: The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a young girl's mouth.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch [n] A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the "diner" stretches a piece of saran of wrap over her open mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs (aka Blue Plate Special).

Dirty Sanchez [n]: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggy style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a "shitstache" if you will.

Cleveland Steamer [n]: The act of leaving a shit stain or turd on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from tit fucking.

Blocking the Box [v]: When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Sadly, unlike the heady days of the Dot Coms and Yuri Gregarin, the Gentelman's Glossary now requires registration and an annual fee, and we all know the internet was meant to be free to the public or else famed Democratic crusader and Man of the People Al Gore would not have invented it. But the point is that I was published in the Glossary, with the following entry:

Print and Poop [v]: The act of printing out an article from your web browser on the office printer, then picking it up and taking it directly into the toilet so you'll have something to read while taking a crap.

I haven't seen Dime One from this obviously vital contribution to the Glossary and to society as a whole. These f*ckers are charging $19.95 per year for membership, and they can't throw me a bone? We'll see if I contribute Alzhummers [v]: The act of visiting a nursing home and receiving a blow job by convincing a resident that you are her husband who actually died during World War II to the Glossary anytime soon.

Sadder still is that with the rise of handheld internet soon there will be no reason to do the Print and Poop. Granted, it is always nice to have some extra paper in case the stall is empty, but (a) this rarely happens and (b) laser printer paper doesn't exactly make for a satisfying wipe. But with the ability to check sports scores, e-mail or text friends, or check your favorite blog, will anyone risk the embarassment of carrying paper into the toilet? Granted, there are a few "Out of the Closet Poopers" who stride right in with the Business page and don't care who sees them. And it is always a treat to enter a stall and find that someone has left the Sports page there for you. But pooping with (non-toilet) paper is sure becoming a thing of the past. Great for the trees and what not, but my Inconvenient Truth is that my only published piece will soon be obsolete. Perhaps my legacy can live on with the Clog N' Blog?