This... Is MMA (Part One)

There's a big mixed martial arts ("MMA") fight tonight. The current UFC heavyweight champ, Randy "The Natural" Couture, is fighting Brock Lesnar, who used to be a WWF guy but now he's in the UFC. This means he can not only act but he can apparently fight as well. I watched the pair's official weigh-in yesterday. Couture's 6'1" and he weighed in at 220lbs. Dude is certainly very solid and extremely cut, but I've watched him a few times and he looked a little smaller this time than he usually is. Lesnar is something like 6'3" and he weighed in right at the upper limit of 265lbs. Lesnar's natural weight is something like 290 and the announcers speculated that he'll gain back 10-12 pounds before tomorrow night's fight. Not sure if he's using my tried-and-true method of being hung over and going to Del Taco to gain back the 10-12 pounds.

MMA's an interesting animal. A fighter can win an MMA fight by knockout, referee or corner stoppage, opponent submission, or judges' decision. Sometimes the two guys stand up and punch and kick each other (in MMA this is called striking) and sometimes they roll around on the ground with one guy's legs wrapped around the other guy's waist (in MMA this is known as ground and pound and full guard; in the Castro it is known as the Cleveland Steamer). The only real rules in MMA are no eye gouging, no nut shots and no punching the back of the head. The fighters wear light gloves and usually don't wear shoes. I think they can wear shoes, but if they do they are limited by the rules in what they can do as far as kicking. This also gives fighters something good to hold on to when they're trying to twist the other guy's ankle for a submission, so the vast majority of fighters don't wear shoes. When a fighter is being choked out or is about to have a limb broken, he can submit by tapping out, repeatedly tapping his hand on his opponent or on the mat. The referee will see this and stop the fight. Very rarely, a guy will sac up and refuse to tap out when he's being choked and his opponent will actually choke him out.

In boxing, the top-level fighters generally have impressive records, like 31-0, 45-3, etc. A boxer with more than a couple of losses probably won't be seen as a contender and he isn't going to get a title shot. In MMA on the other hand, a bunch of losses apparently aren't deal-killers. Randy Couture is 16-8; that record would make him a tomato can in boxing, but in MMA he's the UFC heavyweight champ. An MMA fighter also doesn't have to build up his reputation by winning a bunch of fights or otherwise prove himself before he is considered a contender - Brock Lesnar is getting this title shot with a record of 2-1. Apparently title shots are awarded based on perceived potential and marketability of the fighter, since MMA is still a pretty new sport and its promoters are trying to grow it. Kimbo Slice was the biggest thing in MMA since sliced bread based on a bunch of street fights like this one that were uploaded to Youtube, until he was knocked out by a relative unknown by the name of Seth "The Silverback" Petruzelli in about 8 seconds, despite outweighing Petruzelli by 55lbs. Kimbo was damned marketable though, and he looked pretty invincible against average dudes on the street.

MMA also has hot chicks. Well, hot chick anyway. Gina Carano is a part-time American Gladiator, part-time MMA fighter, and full-time babe. Gina's built about the same as my FWB from a prior blog post, and they're both 5'9". So I'm making a very educated guess that Gina looks great naked. But for now we'll just have to imagine what Gina looks like naked based on the following collage:
MMA seems to cater to the 18- to 34-year old, hoodie-wearing dude with a shaved head and multiple tattoos who drinks energy drinks all day. Do you think sales of energy drinks go up on fight day, as the shaved-head hoodie dudes are all stocking up to have their friends over? On fight nights is there a disproportionately high number of shaved-head hoodie dudes at bars that are showing the MMA pay-per-view fights? When shaved-head hoodie dudes get into fights and they're getting their asses pummeled, can they tap out? Does the opponent honor the tap out if he is also a shaved-head hoodie dude?

If you're going to be an MMA fighter, you better be prepared to get cauliflower ears. Couture is totally nailing that look, but for a lot of people the look is difficult to pull off. It's especially difficult to pull off if you're James "The Colossus" Thompson. And it's especially especially difficult to pull of if you're James "The Colossus" Thompson and Kimbo Slice has just gotten through punching you in your cauliflower ear a bunch of times:
In MMA, the light heavyweights fight at weights between 185lbs and 205lbs, and the heavyweights fight at weights between 205lbs and 265lbs. When I become an MMA fighter, I'll probably drop a few pounds and fight as a light heavyweight at 205 because I really have very little desire to get the crap beaten out of me by dudes who outweigh me by 55 pounds in the heavyweight division. I'd much rather get the crap beaten out of me by dudes who weigh 20 pounds less than I do in the light heavyweight division. So as soon as I dunk that basketball I'm becoming an MMA fighter - having a cauliflower ear has always been a dream of mine.