Welcome to the A-Hole Department

A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (SPORTS DIVISION): It really annoys me how professional athletes talk about "swagger" all the time. "This was a big win for us, we got our swagger back," etc. There's even a deodorant called Swagger, which uses an NFL player as its pitchman. Just what is swagger? I think Ben Affleck's character in Boiler Room pretty well nails a working definition of swagger:

There's an important phrase that we use here and I think it's time you all learned it. "Act as if". Do you understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking president of this firm. Act as if you have a nine inch cock. Act as if. -- Ben Affleck as Jim Young, Boiler Room

So "swagger" means being confident and cocky. Pretty much being an asshole. Yes, I was just thinking we need more assholes in pro sports. Having said all that, the Wood Dog really needs a good blog post to get his swagger back. Come on Wood Dog. Get in the war.

A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (SAN DIEGO DIVISION): Had a mellow night out last night. Didn't hook up with any chicks, so I was walking back to the car with my extraordinarily tall friend. I was wearing jeans and a sweater with a button-down underneath. My collar wasn't sticking out, and I didn't roll the sleeves of the shirt over the sleeves of the sweater - that look is so 2007. My friend was wearing khakis and a black coat. What I'm getting at is that we didn't look particularly gay, and we weren't holding hands or anything. Nonetheless, a cab goes by and a drunk dude sitting in the front passenger seat leans out the window and yells "Yeaaaaah! Go suck each other's cocks you fucking faggots!" Now there's a dude who has his swagger. You stay classy, San Diego.

A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (AUTO DIVISION):
Check the license plate frame - this car was parked in the parking lot for the San Diego State University DUI program.

A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (AIRLINE DIVISION): OK, we can all agree that flying is about 1,000% less fun when you check bags. So everyone brings carry-on bags. Generally, these are those roller bags that all look the same, and they are specifically designed by the Samsonites of the world to fit into overhead luggage compartments. Particularly, they are designed to fit in these compartments "wheels in," thus leaving room to efficiently pack the overhead compartment with as many of these roller bags as possible. So WTF is up with the person who boards the plane relatively early, puts their roller bag up in the overhead sideways instead of wheels-in, then closes the door to the overhead compartment? You've seen that person. Hell, you may even be that person. "My roller bag reigns supreme over all other roller bags! It deserves its own overhead compartment! I may be flying coach but my bag is flying first class! I cannot risk your proletariat bags possibly coming into contact with my identically-constructed bag!" Seriously, 8 times out 10 if the compartment above my seat is closed by the time I get there, I'll open it and either find plenty of space for my bag, or plenty of space for my bag after I rotate someone else's bag that is already up there. People do sometimes get a little worked up when you move their bags without asking, but I'm bigger than they are. Plus I get a little worked up over their "My bag made it in there, so fuck everyone else" attitude, so we're even. I mean, if everyone had that attitude, a lot of people would have died on the Titanic.
A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (POLITICALLY INCORRECT DIVISION): I was recently talking to a friend and was trying to make reference to a mutual acquaintance of ours. I couldn't remember the acquaintance's name, so I was trying to describe him: "...that skinny dude who works at a furniture store... talks about his daughter a lot... usually sits in that chair over there... drives a Jaguar...", etc. I got nothing but a blank stare from my friend, and I could have short-circuited the whole process had I just been able to say "You know, the black guy." That really was the best descriptor and differentiator for this dude, and I'm not allowed to use it. So, about 45 seconds of my life wasted in the name of political correctness.

A-HOLE DEPARTMENT (LOS ANGELES DIVISION): Here's a photo taken from my LA buddy's usual golf course. Jerk. However, he's not the kind of jerk who would put his bag into the overhead compartment sideways and then shut the compartment. Even if he flew commercial.