I had occasion to further think about the Bond films recently as I was invited to a James Bond birthday party. My initial idea had been to go as Felix Leiter, the semi-disposable CIA agent who shows up every third film or so. I thought Felix was generally a Hawaiian-shirt-wearing doofus who pretty much falls out of a palm tree, helps Bond out in some inconsequential way, then gets knocked off by some villain wielding a fishing pole or a frisbee-hat-discus-thing. However, further research indicated that Felix usually wears a gray suit with a skinny black tie. He's been played by such luminaries as Jack Lord of Hawaii Five-O fame, so he's also not really as anonymous as I thought. I briefly considered attending the party as Felix from Casino Royale, which would have required me to don a tuxedo and blackface. This seemed in poor taste however, even by my standards, as my tuxedo doesn't fit me very well. A few girls suggested I go as the Daniel Craig Bond - specifically as the Craig Bond in the beach scenes where he is apparently prancing around in boy shorts. These are about the most poorly named item on the planet, as boys should never under any circumstances wear boy shorts. I wouldn't be caught dead in those things, mainly because I have a much better build than Daniel Craig and I wouldn't want to ruin his self-image. I guess an exception could be made if (and this is strictly hypothetical) a lot of money were exchanged at the Folsom Street fair and the year was 2005, but I digress. Turns out I wasn't in the Bay Area to attend the party, so I guess I missed out on some male Bonding with the other guests. Gosh darn it am I clever.
So, as I was watching Casino Royale I noticed a particular character during the card scenes. He's an old European guy with a beard, and as far as I can tell his job was to sit with a Hot Chick at the bar and explain to her (and thus, to the audience) what is going on in the card game. Because everyone knows that hot chicks and audiences are too stupid to figure these things out on their own. For instance, near as I can gather Bond seems to have figured out that the sketchy French guy with the weird eye (named LeCheap, I think) has a "tell," and he's let the old European guy (who is named Mathis - thanks IMDB!) in on the secret. So LeCheap does his tell, and thus Mathis and Bond know he's bluffing. LeCheap ends up going all-in, and Mathis tells the Hot Chick (and us) that Bond will have to go all-in to call the bluff. Really, doctor? You think so? If Bond has fewer chips than someone else at the table who has gone all-in, then Bond will have to go all-in to call? Let's all thank our lucky stars you were here to tell us that. Turns out Bond does go all-in and ends up losing, as LeCheap did his bluff tell when he wasn't bluffing. Then I think Bond gets poisoned, goes out to his car and defibrillates himself, then he borrows some money from Felix and keeps playing.Is there a sweeter movie role than the guy who sits at the bar and explains to the dumb hot chick what is going on? I've always wanted to play twins in a movie, or a cop who doesn't play by the rules and who does all his investigating by hanging out in strip clubs, but the cheap guy at the bar who narrates the card game to a hot chick? That is the top of the mountain. I wouldn't be able to decide between playing that guy and playing the President. James Garner filled the cheap narrator role in the film Maverick during the final hand, telling Jodie Foster that the Commodore has four of a kind, Angel has a small straight flush, and that he doesn't know what Maverick has. (This is a whole other blog topic, but why was Jodie Foster ever considered hot? Because she was, and I haven't the faintest idea why.) In Rounders, and also in the short-lived ESPN series Tilt, the characters who lost the hands often explained how they lost, in the form of complaints. For example, as Teddy KGB says after the final hand in Rounders:
This son of a bitch! All night he check, check, check. He trapped me!
I find it doubtful an actual skilled poker player would explain to the rest of the room how he lost the hand. I also find it doubtful John Malkovich has ever heard a Russian accent, because his manner of speaking in Rounders is certainly an accent, but it sure ain't Russian.
Anyhow, I was watching the final hand from Casino Royale and I noticed something else - that Mathis is a moron. During the final hand, there are four players: Mr. Fukutu (spelling it phonetically), a Black Guy (IMDB is down right now), LeCheap and Bond.
(Note: please ignore the advertising that some douche has inserted into the clip.)
All the players check after the turn, and Mathis tells the Hot Chick: $24 million in the pot already. So, we've got $24 million in the pot, with only the river card left. The river card comes out, and the betting goes like this:
Mr. Fukutu: All in. $6 million.
The Black Guy pushes his chips in and holds up five fingers. Apparently the poor bastard has no name and he doesn't get any spoken dialogue either. At least the studio saved a few bucks, and they don't have to give him a SAG voucher. However, the dealer confirms: $5 million. All in.
LeCheap: Raise. The dealer confirms the amount: Raise. $12 million.
Bond: $40 million five-hundred thousand, all in.
LeCheap: Well, I think I will call you on that one.
LeCheap then pushes a bunch of chips into the pot. We're too stupid to figure out how much money is in the pot, but luckily Mathis is there to save the day.
Mathis (to Hot Chick): $115 million in the pot.
Now, LeCheap didn't go all-in - he's still got a few chips left. Hold on a second. Should we take Mathis's word for it? Are we really too stupid to figure our how much money is in the pot?
The Pot after the turn = $24,000,000
Mr. Fukutu = $6,000,000
The Black Guy = $5,000,000
Bond = $40,500,000
LeCheap = $40,500,000
Total = $116,000,000
A respectable chunk of change, to be certain. But it isn't $115 million, it's $116 million. I know, $1 million isn't a lot of money between friends, but if you're going to represent to a Hot Chick that you know about the game you're watching, wouldn't you want to get your facts straight? Granted, I'm as much for lying to Hot Chicks as the next guy, but I think they'd be more impressed by a higher number in the pot. Maybe Mathis is just smarter than we are, and playing on a different level: Hmmm... chicks dig dudes with money. If Bond wins $116 million, this Hot Chick will surely go for him. But if he only wins $115 million, that might not be enough for her, and I might still have a shot here. I mean, we are sitting here drinking champagne while I woo her with my cheap accent, and she hasn't even noticed that it's not even champagne, it's sparkling white wine. Korbel, no less. Dumb broad. I'll just tell her it's $115 million in the pot. I'm an awesome European genius, and I'm about to bang this Hot Chick! Les félicitations à moi!Or maybe not. And maybe I am too good at math to play the cheap guy who explains to the hot chick what is happening in the card game. The dream is dead... way to piss on my own parade.
Poker Sidebar: What was Mr. Fukutu doing checking after the turn? At that point, there's an ace of hearts, and a 4-6-8 of spades on the board. Fukutu is holding K-Q of spades and he's just made his flush. Someone's got to be holding the ace of spades and another spade to have a higher flush at that point, and the best anyone else can do there is three of a kind. It doesn't make any sense for Fukutu to slow play that hand - as pointed out by Mathis the Moron, there was $24 million in the pot after the flop. Fukutu only has $6 million left at that point... why in the hell would he not try and buy a $24 million pot by going all-in after the turn? I mean, besides it being in the script?
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