Test Messaging

So, here's the deal. I sent the same text message to three people simultaneously. All three are known to me and would consider them "friends" though you would have to ask them if the feeling is mutual. The message was sent without provocation or explanation, to see how they would respond. And there most definitely is a "right" answer to this one. Why did I do this? Because it was a Friday night and I had no plans, and have no friends or life. Thanks for asking.

Here's the text message I sent:

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir.

You might be familiar with this quote from the movie Caddyshack. Since I personally know everyone who might actually read this blog, I am quite sure you are familiar with this quote, which is uttered by Judge Smails to Al Czervik, after Al attempts to make a bet with the Judge, who is about to tee off. Now, let's meet our three contestants:

Contestant #1 - The Artist Formerly Known as SoHoMo. TAFKAS is a tech savvy individual, and has been known to text photos of breasts taken in New York bars from his cell phone camera. He's pretty much on his iPhone constantly and has to recharge it thrice daily. I suspect TAFKAS will one day be struck by a cab as he blissfully strolls across the street, head down and staring intently at his iPhone as his fantasy football team's score is being updated. TAFKAS is also the only heterosexual male I know who can get away with wearing orange. He knows how to text message, he's pretty strong on pop culture, he golfs, and he drinks mai tais. Should be a slam dunk for him.

Contestant #1's response:

Are you with Rusty?*

* Name changed to protect Rusty, the otherwise innocent Persian Diversian.

Ummm... no, I wasn't with Rusty. Maybe TAFKAS thought Rusty was in LA producing Caddyshack 3? Rusty is an avid golfer and all, but I don't understand this response. Maybe TAFKAS thinks I was playing golf, and that is why I sent the text message. Either way, this response is 100% entirely incorrect. Disappointing, to say the least. You're better than that, TAFKAS.

Contestant #2 - Xilor's Dad. Anyone who sires the future dictator of the free world is probably pretty much all-knowing. Even before that, though, Xilor's Dad was smart. Surprisingly, nay shockingly, he held his own in games of 1431B shot trivia, though this may have been because of his obscenely high tolerance for shots. Plus, this guy plays a lot of golf and watches a lot of TV, though his TV watching is more of the Food Network and porn variety and less of the "classic comedy golf movie" variety. But still, he should know this quote. It's a lay-up, for the Love of the Big Man.

Contestant #2's response:

Hey hey. Just a friendly wager to make it interesting. I'm not here for my health.

I guess this answer shouldn't be all that surprising; after all, I once learned in a castle in Italy that Xilor's Dad is all about gambling, traveling and partying. And seeing as how I recently played golf and wagered with Xilor's Dad, I think I can see where he's coming from. I won that match, surprisingly enough, but I did get 9 strokes from Xilor's Dad. Not a bad payoff if I do say so myself! Actually, I won a copy of GTA IV for my trouble, not because I played well but because Xilor's Dad stunk up the place like me on a Sunday afternoon after a hung over Del Taco run. Of course, playing a game like GTA IV automatically adds about 6 months to my singledom, because it confirms that I am a tool and that I'll never leave the house. So... adding 6 months... carry the one... and I will now be single until... 6 months after my death. Quick golf joke - Q: What's your handicap? A: Bad breath and a small weiner. For purposes of truth in advertising, I guess I should have titled that last sentence "Quick synopsis of my life." In any event, Xilor's Dad failed. More Caddyshack, less tummy time, sir.

Contestant #3 - Lusty. Also known as The Guy Who is "F"-ing a Mom I'd Like to "F", Lusty is a pretty worldly guy who seems to know a little bit about everything. Doesn't spend an inordinate amount of time in front of the TV, but was in a fraternity in college and someone in the frat house had to have owned the movie. Not much of a golfer, as evidenced by the number of times he was "played through" in college. Of course, at UC Davis "playing through" apparently means stripping naked, putting on a golf hat and/or shoes, then hitting a golf ball through the room of another guy who is trying to get some action. As I understand it, guys would line up to play through and this pretty much grenaded the potential hooker-upper. Ah, college. The land of Kentucky Bluegrass and Sensimilla. Not to be confused with the land of Stanford Kentuckians. But I digress.

Contestant #3's response:

And I NEVER slice.

Ah, finally someone who gets it. I knew we could count on Lusty. Then again, I thought we could count on TAFKAS and Xilor's Dad, and I was clearly mistaken. But let's go ahead and award the Caddy Scholarship to Lusty. Nice work.