This is not a movie review, so there should be no need for any **SPOILER ALERTS**. Especially since "spoiling" something implies ruining one's enjoyment of it, and if you enjoy this steaming pile of monkey crap then, well, you are made of sterner stuff than I.
Actually, I enjoyed this movie. I felt it started off very well - I'd rate the first 30 minutes about an 8.5, and the rest of the movie a 6 or so. Worth seeing, certainly, but I almost wish I hadn't gone to the theater in costume. However, it isn't often you get a chance to wear your Willie Scott costume so I figured I would take advantage. I had the costume ready since I was supposed to attend "Drag Queen Bingo" earlier in the day but that was mysteriously cancelled. In other news, I am pretty sure I'm not gay. Like 53% sure.But let's get to the point of this post. I don't think it will ruin the plot to state a few facts about the film. First, Indiana Jones's father Henry Jones Sr., aka Sean Connery, does not appear in this film. The reason he does not appear in this film is that Lucas, Spielberg, et al did not offer Sir Sean enough money to appear in the film. But the reason given in the film is that Indy's dad is dead. Secondly, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade takes place in 1938, while Kingdom of the Crystal Skull takes place in 1957. So, 19 years difference. This makes sense, because Last Crusade came out in 1989 and Crystal Skull came out in 2008, also 19 years difference. It makes sense that the characters look about 20 years older than they used to (except Marion Ravenwood, who has gone downhill faster than Bode Miller, or Yannick Bertrand).
Toward the end of Last Crusade **SPOILER ALERT**, the Nazis shoot Dad to induce Indy to go recover the Holy Grail. When Indy reaches the Grail chamber, he is challenged by a grail knight, the last of three brothers who 700 years earlier swore an oath to find the Grail, and to guard it. Indy makes friends with the knight, then deduces which is the real Grail among a whole bunch of false Grails. Indy verifies it is the correct Grail by drinking from it before bringing it back to his father. Indy then pours water from the Grail onto Dad's gunshot wound, healing the wound, and has Dad drink from the Grail. Now, the knight clearly lived to be 700 years old by drinking from the Grail, which grants eternal life to those who drink from it (it also apparently grants the power to not go insane after being alone for 700 years, the power to speak perfect modern English, and eliminates the need for food, but I digress). Indy and his Dad both drink from the cup. Then how in the hell is Dad dead in 1957, and Indy looks 20 years older (in fairness, he's still in very good shape but his hair is now mostly gray)? 20 actual years are probably 2 Grail years, and Dad's dead of old age? OK, maybe Dad was crushed by a boulder on some archaeological expedition (we know he wasn't shot by the Nazis, who are the worst marksmen this side of Imperial Stormtroopers). But why has Indy aged so much? George Lucas hasn't insulted my intelligence to this degree since he created Jar Jar Binks. This is an outrage.
1 comment:
Important point about the grail: it only gives you eternal life if you DON'T CROSS THE SEAL. The knight didn't cross the seal, but the Jones Boys did. And actually the seal blew up, so not sure it would have worked anyway.
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