Random Babblings

Some random babblings while wondering if my blogmate is trapped under a heavy object. That's really the only plausible reason why the Gateway Gators schedule on the right side of the screen hasn't been updated with any scores.

WIE RHYMES WITH "WHEE!" I was browsing ESPN.com when I noticed the headline that Wie opens with 69 on hard LPGA Q-school course and I got to thinking, wouldn't it be great if Natalie Gulbis was the other half of that 69?
Insert "East Meets West" joke here as you see fit.

THE HOLIDAYS BUGGY ME. I think the dunking dream may be dead. Sort of a funny story actually. Over the Thanksgiving weekend I was out in the desert with my brother's family, doing desert things (e.g. riding ATVs and driving dune buggies, drinking American beer, burning palettes, and talking crap about the people in the next campsite) when my brother's middle son came back to the camp to tell us that the eldest son had stalled the buggy and was stuck out in the desert. We all piled into a jeep and headed out into the desert to find the stalled buggy. When we got to the buggy, there was no one around. Someone had parked their truck and trailer about 100 yards away, but the eldest son wasn't there and there was no one else around. So the people I was with who know about such things said that the throttle cable was broken and the buggy couldn't be driven without replacing the cable or rigging the cable with a clamp. My brother decides to try and start the buggy. And it starts all right, with the throttle wide open. Now, keep in mind that my brother didn't actually bother to get into the buggy before starting it. So this driverless buggy just takes off out into the desert at full speed. We weren't really expecting that, and just kind of held our beers and watched it go for a couple of seconds. And wouldn't you know, it was headed right for the only truck and trailer that was parked out there. So I start running after the thing, but it's going about 35 miles per hour and my top speed is somewhere below 20. Luckily the buggy hit a small dune and rolled onto its side about 40 yards short of the truck, and I reached it shortly thereafter and turned off the engine. However, it turns out sprinting over sand dunes isn't great for a 36 year-old calf, and it is now a 36 year-old strained calf. Hmm. "Straining my calf" sounds a bit like a euphemism for masturbation. In any event, I've been out of commission for about a week and I still need a few more days of rest. I think that pretty much puts the nail in the dunking coffin.

HOTTEST GIFT OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON:
They're having a holiday sale on old ladies in wheelchairs at Costco but you'd better get down there fast, they were flying out the door.

UNREASONABLE HANGUP DEPARTMENT. I don't think I could date Kim Kardashian. There are many reasons for this. It's not that I don't find her attractive (I do), or that I think her butt is too big (I might). And it's not necessarily that Ms. Kardashian probably wouldn't date me. You see, she seems to prefer dating rappers and NFL players and I might not be her type. I'm not famous, I'm not terribly wealthy, and I'm not Canadian. But I wouldn't be able to date her because I wouldn't be able to get my mind around the fact that there is in existence a widely available videotape of some dude laying the wood to her.
Look, I realize that when I date someone she's been with other people. But I still like to pretend she hasn't. For instance, let's suppose a woman is proposing a type of foreplay. There are a couple of ways to do it:

Option #1: When I dated Rob, we used to rub baby oil all over each other before we did it and it was really hot.

Who the fuck is this "Rob" guy? You still think about him even though we're dating? I know that you do, just as I still think about other people, BUT DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU DO! This approach? TOTAL boner-shrinker.

Option #2: Let's try rubbing baby oil all over each other before doing it. That would be really hot.

Hmm... this girl's a little naughty... the idea to use baby oil just popped into her head spontaneously... that IS hot. See? Option #2 is MUCH better!

I'm also not attracted to any of my friends' wives or girlfriends, whether current or exes. I recognize that they are attractive people, but these women have not only been with other people, but they've been with people I know, which makes them off-limits. Seriously, any woman who would fall for the BS these dudes used to get girls, well, I can't be attracted to a woman like that. But even worse is actually seeing a person with someone else, like on the Kardashian videotape. Can you imagine the mountain of shit your buddies would give you for that? "Hey dude, caught the tape of Ray J railing your chick. Are you hitting it as hard as he did? Would you mind making a tape so I can compare for myself?" So I guess I won't be returning Kim's calls. This also means that I can't date Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, or Dustin Diamond. Not that I would have wanted to. Well, Screech maybe.