No Coffee

"Put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you."

-- Alec Baldwin as Blake, Glengarry Glen Ross

Electrifying performance by Alec Baldwin in that movie, and I think it won him an Oscar even though he only appears in that one scene, for about seven minutes. If it didn't win him an Oscar, it should have. And in it we learn that coffee is for closers only. Around Christmas time, cocoa is for cobblers only, but that is another matter.

I play in two fantasy football leagues. One is simian-related, and I care more about that league than I do the other, which is a Yahoo! league. The Yahoo! league annoys me because it is for lower stakes, because for many years it used a list-style draft instead of a live draft, because team names are limited to 20 characters, because every team besides mine has a crap team name, and because the participants aren't all that good at fantasy football. I've been playing in the Yahoo! league since 2003. It's generally a 12-team league, with eight teams making the playoffs. Since this league is full of chumps I figure I should have won at least twice by now. How's that working out for me? Let's take a look:

2003:

My Team: CIA Pencil Pushers
Playoff Seed: 3
Result: Third Place
League Champ: Da Bangers

2004:

My Team: Suck It, Trebec
Playoff Seed: 2
Result: Fifth Place
League Champ: Da Bangers

2005:

My Team: Brain-Dead Caribbeans
Playoff Seed: 4
Result: Third Place
League Champ: La Migra

2006:

My Team: Super Bowl Movement
Playoff Seed: 3
Result: Fifth Place
League Champ: Mustangs


2007:

My Team: Pats, Lies & Videotape
Playoff Seed: 1
Result: Second Place
League Champ: Boston Massholes

OK, the name Boston Massholes isn't bad. But I haven't managed to win this league once, but the supra-genius behind "Da Bangers" has won it twice? This is beyond unacceptable. I'm the Marty Freaking Schottenheimer of fantasy football - good enough to get you to the playoffs year after year, only to choke once I get there. Well, at least I've got myself in a position to fail yet again:

2008:

My Team: Ledger's Pallbearers
Playoff Seed: 4
Result: ???
League Champ: Ledger's Pallbearers OR 2 Drink Minimum

Seeing as how I drafted Tom Brady with my first pick, I consider this year to be one of my best fantasy football coaching jobs ever. However, I've still got to seal the deal. I've got to close. I've GOT TO. Especially this year: not only was I eliminated in the semifinals of my simian-based league, but I need the winnings from this league or there will be no Christmas presents this year. Or cocoa. Because cocoa is for cobblers only.