Must Love Dogs

I went on another date with "Melanie" the other night. Had a pretty good time, really. At the end of the date, Melanie and I found ourselves back at her place. Now, Melanie has a small dog. This is far better than if she had a cat or multiple cats, but the dog is clearly very important to Melanie. For example, there are several pictures of said dog on Melanie's online dating profile.

Being the nice guy I am, I went ahead and walked Melanie's dog around the block when we got back. The dog marked a few bushes but refused to poop anywhere so the walk felt like kind of a waste, like a porn film without the money shot. Anyhow, I get back with the dog and Melanie is grateful. We agree that I'm going to stay over.

Melanie's dog sleeps in her bed. I now know that this is true even when she has a human overnight guest. I've dated girls with dogs and/or cats before, and in those cases the girl would kick the dog or cat out of the bed if I was there. Granted, the animals usually made it back into the bed in the morning, but at least we had some alone time unfettered by a third mammal. In Melanie's case, I wasn't going to make a big stink about it at this time - Melanie and I are barely dating, so I'm at the bottom of the totem pole and the dog is sitting right there at the top. I get this. If things ever got serious I'd think, hope and demand that I'd eventually become more important than the dog, but we're not there yet.

So Melanie and I end up doing a little making out. Nothing crazy, just some good old-fashioned mostly-clothed fun. As I'm going about my business, I feel something on my backside. I come to the horrible realization that what I felt was a dog's nose. It seems the doggie was doing a little sniffing around and got a little too close. Now, there are some people who might be turned on by this. I am not one of those people. In fact, I found this to be quite a turn-off. However, I decided to try and play through it. I didn't think farting to scare the dog and have him back off was a very good idea, so I just sort of bumped the dog's nose with my butt in hopes he'd get the hint and get lost. This seemed to work as I didn't notice him doing any more sniffing around, so I hit one into the gap and made my way toward third base. This move receives a rather audible and favorable reaction from Melanie, and who doesn't love being a crowd-pleaser? This are just going along swimmingly.

Except that the dog was also apparently intrigued by what was going on, so he decided to hump my leg. I imagine there might be bigger turn-offs than that, but I can't really think of any right now. Wait a minute... maybe I can (NSFW). But still, having a dog hump your leg while making the sexy time is probably the worst thing that's happened to me in the context of the bedroom. Melanie's having a good time, and seems unaware that her dog is doing what it's doing, so I'm reluctant to stop what I'm doing. I decide to take one for the team and just suffer this indignancy in silence. In fact, I'm pretty sure the dog finished, meaning two of the three mammals present had a great time. But the third mammal, Me, did not. It was just a little too weird. I think between this and the cell phone incident, this chick is officially undateable. Which means we go back to the old drawing board.